4 Day…

Four day weekend and I get off an hour early today. Need it after the last couple of days at work.

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A bit about me

I was challenged today to talk about my life, and my family other than my wife and stepdaughters.

I can’t talk about me without giving you a little back story on my family, you can’t know where you are going if you don’t know where you came from.

My grandpa was in the Korean war, went through hell and was tore up by, of all things, an artillery round. He raised two daughters, one became my mom. Both he and my grandma are good people (now), but really bad parents. My grandfather is also a insanely intelligent man, but does not recognize it. He thinks he is average, and everyone should be able to learn what he can, know what he knows, etc. If you don’t, then you are just stupid. Sadly, this is the attitude he took raising his daughters, and took with me when he tried to tutor me in math.

My grandma is just cold, money grubbing, and a liar. She has her good points, but she should have never been a mother. She doesn’t like kids, never wanted kids, and admitted to my mom that she tried to lose her.

They moved to the desert when my mom was three. My grandpa got a job on the Air Force Base, and they lived in a house that my great grandfather had built. My grandparents were cold, hard, and harsh parents. They didn’t raise my mom and my aunt to be self sufficient, they raised them to be housewives. My mom barely made it through school and married young to get away from them, ended up in a bad marriage, and then later had to leave. She basically became homeless because my grandparents wouldn’t take her back in. She was working as a waitress in a restaurant/bar, which is where she met my dad. My dad was a regular in the bar. They dated for a short time, and then were married.

My dad was 18 years older than my mom, was raised by two Jehovah Witnesses that bounced back and forth across the country. His dad was a musician, and so my dad spent most of his life moving back and forth between Detroit and the Riverside/Highland area down by San Bernardino. Route 66 plays a big part in my family history. When he met my mom he was newly divorced from his crazy first wife, was paying child support on four kids (the oldest only ten years younger than my mom), working at a cement plant, and was a raging alcoholic.

Things were not the best and quickly became worse. He was an abusive alcoholic that would spend his whole paycheck in the bar, beat the shit out of her, throw plates of food against the wall, etc. They were already separated when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. I have more stories, but they are bad.

My mom worked pregnant as a waitress until she could no longer physically work any more, shortly thereafter I was born. We immediately moved in to a house that my great grandfather had built and that my grandparents owned.

Now, we did not live there rent free. My mom ended up on welfare, food stamps, and after a few years was able to get child support from my dad. This all totaled to about 600.00 a month, half of that was rent to my grandparents. The town I grew up in does not have any job opportunities. The only real employer is a small mine and that does not employ a whole lot of people these days. When I was about six she had a chance to get a job there and get off of welfare. She asked my grandparents to babysit me while she worked, my grandma look at her and said “I raised my kids, you raise yours.” The town does not have any day cares, after school programs, or anything at all of that nature, so my mom was forced to choose between working or raising her son, she chose to stay home and raise me. She did briefly get a part time job later on to try and save up some money, however welfare made her claim that money and took it out of her check. I have a whole rant about the welfare system I will post later.

My mom was a very loving, but strict and over protective parent. My wife says I was never a kid, that I was basically raised as an adult. That may be true. We were obviously poor and I never had much growing up, but I had what I needed. I watched my mom wear the same two pairs of jeans and one pair of shoes for years, just so I would have school clothes. I have tasted the government cheese, it is bad. The peanut butter however was pretty damn good.

I hardly saw my dad until about 5th grade, and didn’t see my grandparents much until about that same time (even though they only lived 15 miles away). We received little to no help from anyone else.

When I was in 9th grade, my mom had to call the Kern County Sherriff’s department on her abusive ex boyfriend. She ended up marrying the deputy that responded to her call, on the first day of school of my 10th grade year. He moved us in to his house here in this town and true to her past, he became very mentally and physically abusive. The week before my 18th birthday, which was just a couple weeks away from high school graduation, he was arrested for physically abusing her. However, all charges were dropped and he kept his job as a Sherriff.

Even though I grew up very poor I was mostly happy until High School. Just prior to Jr. High I started becoming close to my grandpa. He taught me to camp, shoot, drive, some back packing, map and compass, carpentry, etc. He became more of a dad than my actual dad. Not so close to my grandma. Around the same time, my dad and I formed a friendship, He also taught me how to drive, and after high school he taught me how to work on cars.

In high school I had to deal with my step dad, a new school full of unfriendly people, a mom that was going through a slow mental breakdown, and no freedom. I had no car, no money, and for a while only one decent friend. During my senior year I was able to get in the wrestling team (which I was on in my previous high school before my mom was married), that helped some. Even though I was a crappy wrestler I still made team co-captain.

I looked in to joining the military after high school, but I had tore the cartilage in my right knee up in a wrestling tournament, and also have Mitral Valve Prolapse. The military would not take me. After high school I ended up with my step dads old truck, which is one of the reasons my dad taught me how to work on cars. This and a few part time jobs, or working for my dad, gave me gas money and helped pay for the Junior College I was going to. While doing that, I had to take care of my mom and her continuously worsening mental condition because of my step dad.

I had a chance to go to college in San Diego after I received my AA, I even lined up a job. However, I was afraid to leave my mom alone with my step dad. He was getting worse, and so was she. She ended up having an affair, it broke her heart when it ended, but inspired her to get some job training, get a job and leave my step dad. When we finally moved out I was working for minimum wage at a daycare that is located on the local military base, spending a lot of time partying, and blowing my money. I had one bad night in a bar when I was 24. It made me realize I was 24, living in an apartment with my crazy mom, no career, a worthless AA degree, and had to do something with my life. I took out some student loans, and went to back to school. I took classes on line and on the local military base where I was working.

I ended up graduating Cum Laude with my B.S. I shortly thereafter found a job with the bases Safety Office. I was still living with my mom at this point, as I had been taking car of her and helping with bills. After getting the job with the Safety Office my student loans kicked in, so I lived with my mom until I got a promotion, at which point I moved out in to a little apartment. I was eventually promoted to NAVOSH Deputy Installation Program Director. I am civil service so still don’t make much money, but I can pay our bills…..barely

My mom is better than she used to be, but is really not totally self sufficient. When I was in high school she began relying on me to get the littlest things done, and it only got worse as time went on. By the time I moved out, she was the child and I was the parent. Over the last few years she has learned to be a bit more normal. She doesn’t make much money and has virtually no retirement. She will either work herself to death, or just work until she is no longer able, at which point I will probably have to take care of her again.

My dad died about a year and a half ago. He never took care of himself and a massive aneurism finally killed him. We knew it was coming because he had another one less than a year before that, it almost killed him. We were told he wouldn’t last the year. He didn’t. He died less than a week after Fathers Day 2014. My brother and I took care of him in those in between months, and before the strokes we had breakfast almost every Sunday, went on road trips around the desert, etc. We became pretty close.

My ex-stepfather died a couple weeks ago. No big loss to the world.

My grandma wonders why I don’t call her grandma. She did learned how to hug me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me she loved me though. So maybe I can learn to think of her as grandma.

My grandpa is now 87, and has mellowed out a lot. Him and I are very close and I am one of the few people that can really get along with him. he told me he was proud of me about six months ago, that meant the world to me.

My mom says I am just like him.

As always you can reach me at desertcoyote1@yahoo.com

The last couple of days

Sent this as an email a bit ago, decided to edit as a blog post.

Monday I met the wife for lunch to celebrate a raise. She was acting funny in the restaurant and said she wasn’t feeling well, she began to steadily decline from there. She couldn’t speak right, the words would get stuck, she couldn’t keep focused on anything, and was having sever muscle cramps. I fought with her about going to the ER, but she eventually went (securing someone to get the kids from school was a fucking adventure, we really don’t have much of anyone). Long story short, her blood pressure medication caused her blood pressure to briefly drop so low that it caused her to have a trans ischemic attack, better known as a mini stroke.

After spending hours in the ER, once we finally saw the doctor. All he said was “take it easy and follow up with your personal doctor.” The soonest her doc can see her is tomorrow and take it easy translates in to sitting on your ass and doing as little as possible. We got home with the kids, she napped for a couple of hours and I spent the evening doing laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of her and the kids. A little bit of Xbox One and bed after that.

Got to work yesterday and I hit the ground running. Two inspections first thing in the morning, one of which resulted in 44 safety deficiencies that I now have to write up, a mishap investigation, and fighting with our traffic safety contractor in San Diego. Throw in all the other little miscellaneous bullshit I do on a day to day basis and I barely had time to sit down and send out emails before 4pm. I think all I had to eat for the whole day was half a mug of coffee.

I went home to a mediocre dinner, cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, cleaned the cat box, folded and put up all the laundry that she washed, figured out a health insurance glitch, ran to walmart and was finally able to sit down and relax about the time the girls went to bed. A couple of hours of Call of Duty 3, Black Ops after that…and she got irritated that I wasn’t coming to bed when she went to bed.

Woke up this morning and about to repeat everything it seems

Self Esteem

It’s no secret that I have never had the highest self esteem through the years, just something I have always struggled with. Lately it seems to be back; I look in the mirror and see the 20-30lbs that I need to lose, but I really hate working out and dieting, hate it. Plus, it doesn’t help that I have absolutely no support at home when it comes to that.

I tried flirting with my wife last night, she just brushed it off, rolled her eyes and acted annoyed. I even brought her flowers, she just said thank you and went back to her makeup tutorials on Youtube.

Superficially, I don’t feel like I am a very good looking guy. Obviously I don’t attract my wife any more, I am over weight, not in the best shape and as someone on here actually once said “You’re not hot, so I thought you would be nice.”

Not so superficially, I don’t feel like anything I do matters. She never seems happy with me, doesn’t say anything nice about me to me, etc.

I received the Civilian of the Quarter award at work last month. When I brought it home I told her that it was a huge surprise and I really never thought I would get it. Her words “why, what’s the big deal, you get awards at work all the time.” She then went back to her homework.

She doesn’t respond to my flirts.

She never compliments me.

She never tells me that she is proud of me or even congratulates me if I get an award.

I know you are supposed to find happiness within and not without. However, isn’t your spouse supposed to help you out with that?

As always, you can reach me at desertcoyote1@yahoo.com

At work…

And bored. We had a drill earlier today that took up most of my day, I have sent out the report to my boss that I needed to send out and it is too late to go do any of the inspections that I am way behind on.

So, here I sit, bored. Someone please entertain me!

As always, you can reach me at desertcoyote1@yahoo.com

Cowboy in Me

Some days I just feel like getting in a fight, angry for no reason, frustrated, pent up feeling, faking happiness so I don’t alienate others around me. Feel like coiled wire underneath my skin, waiting to burst out.

There is a Tim McGraw song called Cowboy in Me, it fits me, especially today. It goes like this:

I don’t know why I act the way I do
Like I ain’t got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin’ mad
At where this road I’m heading down might lead
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I’ve done for foolish pride
The me that’s never satisfied
The face that’s in the mirror when I don’t like what I see
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I’ve done for foolish pride
The me that’s never satisfied
The face that’s in the mirror when I don’t like what I see
I guess that’s just the cowboy in me

Girl I know there’s times you must have thought
There ain’t a line you’ve drawn I haven’t crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that’s just the cowboy in you

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that’s just the cowboy in us all

As always, you can reach me at desertcoyote1@gmail.com

 

Dream

I couple of you liked this and it reflects about half of the mood I have been in lately, so I thought I would repost.

sidewinderjohn

Last night I dreamed about someone that I never thought I would dream about. Names will not be stated to protect the “innocent.”

In my dream we met for coffee and had a long conversation about life, wants, needs, and so forth. During the conversation things became flirty and then the innuendos started. We went back to my place to watch a movie and have some pizza, which in my dream was at my old apartment. When we walked in to the apartment we immediately started kissing. It was the heavy, passionate, pull you to me hard kissing. We laid down right there on the carpet, kissing, hands running over one another’s bodies, up shirts, down pants. I could feel her hard nipples on my finger tips, her wetness too. I took her shirt off and started licking and pinching her nipples. Kissing down her stomach to the top of…

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